As I sit here smoking on my cigarette with possibly a million things running through my mind I begin to wonder about the events which suddenly have gotten me to think so deeply regarding myself, friends and family. In the past it never did bother me whether or not people thought of me as something or nothing. All that mattered to me was that I live my life the way I want to with or without people's support or interest. Those who know me better could possibly think that I'm a great person who goes along with anything at anytime and is always there when they need me. That may be true to a certain extend. Recently I have gotten in contact with some people who I had totally forgotten over time and suddenly old feelings creep in. Fond memories of things we shared before and bonds that at one point I thought were so great they could never be broken... and yet they have. I'm now on my way to rebuilding those bonds which I let loose. Because they matter.
Sometimes people ask me who is my best friend... and I answer that I don't consider anyone to be my best friend. Because to me, friends are friends and I don't see any reason to draw lines on how much I should help one friend or another just because the word 'best' is included. But I do however find it more and more difficult to keep promises and obligations to many and end up opting for alternatives which sometimes leaves the other party disappointed with my decisions. I do play favorites, but then again I guess we all do. Not that it was ever my intention to disappoint, but I guess sometimes I'm just selfish and somehow try and bend matters to suit my liking or convenience. And suddenly now here I am thinking what about those who matter to me? About those who should matter to me? Have I been a friend to them? What would I be now without some of them? Would I be happy? Feel appreciated? Or just end up as someone they once knew? I do fear for the latter... but know thats it's well within my capabilities to be someone they can look for love, trust and support. And i shall utilize it to the best for myself and those around me. Because I can.
One of the most common questions that come across me is how is it that I don't have someone to call my girl. My answer is usually that I end up in between 'Relationship' and 'Friends'... and perhaps am just too chicken shit to take any chance to making that mean anything more or better in fear that I might lose everything with that person. I do miss companionship... yet somehow I do not long for it. Could it be that past mistakes and events have possibly made me cold and insensitive toward affection that I just can't be bothered to at least make a little effort to be with someone. I do say at times that I am just fussy with girls but then again... most of my friends who i hold dearly in little places in my heart are girls, one different from the other... how does that justify 'fussy'? Perhaps it's a little lack of self confidence that I have allowed to build up over time that discourages me from making any attempt at a relationship, and yet I do nothing about it... I know I'm so much bolder than what i make of myself. Perhaps now I should believe in it just a little more. Take a chance, take a risk and who knows? I might end up happier than I've ever been in years. Because I will.
It's time to make some changes in my life. Everything I need I have. Just have to take that leap into the unknown and find my place in that big wonderful mystery I call life. Because I'm living it!
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